Hold Music for the Unemployment Office

Last week, like millions of Americans, I became unemployed, the sad saga of with I will not go into detail here, but plan to in a future post once the bitter hangover of a failed American dreamer subsides—then, I will be able to sing the whole sordid business in the clear and rational tones I am not famous for.

At any rate, I received my paperwork from the Ohio Department of Job and Family Services, and while glumly perusing the boxes, graphs and words looking for a number to budget my life around, I saw that my employer (a research one university) had submitted the payroll records of my time there. They were only off by five years. So I called, and was put on hold.

At that point, I began the kind of weird fantasizing that one does on hold, or in line at the DMV, or any bureaucracy that chips away at one’s mortal coil in exchange for confused looks, indifferent grunts, or worse—the need for more paperwork.  But my fantasy wasn’t a violent revenge fantasy, or anything like that: these people are just trying to get by, too, do they job, and avoid being a poor workless schmuck like me.

No, my fantasy is about hold music. What kind of tunes would play if hold music reflected the kind of work done at that office or business, e.g., the Unemployment Office?

Something like this:

1.       Gang of Four “Paralyzed”

2.       Captain Beefheart “Dropout Boogie”

3.       Bruce Springsteen “Johnny 99”

4.       Johnny Paycheck “Take This Job and Shove It”

5.       Alex Chilton  “Lost My Job”

I suppose anything from Cibo Matto would work for the grocery store check-out line, but what about the Post Office? Maybe this?